September 2016 Horoscopes
My mystical offering to this month's Triple Cities Carousel.
Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19) Embrace your confusion. If you can’t write the horoscopes this month, another Aries will. Go back to school, even if you’re learning to listen to the voices in your head. Just listen to someone.
Taurus (Apr 20- May 20) Just because it smells good doesn’t mean you should put it in your mouth. Rekindle your relationship with your slippers, and meditate.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) You are so smart and handsome! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, please take some time to marinate on the importance of being quiet. You have nothing to prove.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) The Notorious C.R.A.B! Please teach some classes on how to commune with the earth and make a perfect home. We all envy your skills and are sorry that we can’t commit to attending.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Your big heart will keep you out of trouble, as long as you don’t blind yourself with that mascara wand. Do something healthy, and do it better than everyone else, because you can.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) Hey there, sexy birthday person. Time to turn down the lights, open a bottle of the best wine (something you’re not allergic to), put on some Barry White, and spend the whole night doing your favorite thing: checking items off your to-do list.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) Ooh! Shiny things! Made you look. Please, put down the bottle (and for those of you who don’t drink, step away from the looking glass), and dig deeper. Who knows – there may be shiny things down there.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) Chess isn’t just a game; it’s also a 1984 musical written by half of ABBA, with lyrics by Tim Rice. Harness those magical powers of strategy and really freak people out this fall. But do it for the greater good.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21) It’s totally cool, man, I get it that you couldn’t come to my party. You get invited to a lot of things, and you spend a lot of time in bed – we don’t want to know whose. Just wake up and run the damn newspaper.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You’re a Capricorn, and you’re still in Binghamton? Maybe you’re still young, or you’re living in one of the nice houses on the West Side. If not, it’s time to put that business plan into effect. Time waits for no one.
Aquarius (Jan 29-Feb 18) Your math skills can’t fool people into not thinking you’re a raging conspiracy theorist. Take that strange contraption off your head and make some friends. And this time, do it with feeling.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know, except that you know everything that you need to know. Except for that one thing. Remember that time, when you remembered that thing? That’s it. Do that.